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Archive for January, 2011

Musings from the New Year

I cannot believe 2010 whooshed past me, and we are now 5 days into 2011. As I browsed my own blog, I realized that I had not written since August.

Where did time go? What have I been doing in the last 4 months?

To keep a long story short, I have been battling with a case of very bad blues since my trip back from Singapore in September. I had the hugest fight with my own mom, 2 days before I was due to fly back to Toronto. We have never fought that bad, complete with me calling her a bitch and a mad woman, and me moving out of her place.

I left Singapore a very broken hearted woman. And I was in a slight catatonic state for a good month after I came back.

Needless to say, as I reflect now, I am not exactly proud of myself and my behavior towards my mom. No matter what she has done, she will always be my mom, and I love her for giving me life.

That being said, I still feel really hurt and heartbroken by my mom’s actions and behavior towards me and Ethan. Although I always claimed that our fight was because of her disrespect of my wishes regarding Ethan’s eating habits while in Singapore, deep down, I know the reasons and motives behind the fight runs deeper than that.

The fight was a culmination of many years of tension between mother and daughter… Those things that were left unsaid… those conflicts that were left unresolved… those little fights that were meant to happen, but never did…

Our big showdown happened on September 24th, and I finally called my mom to wish her a Merry Christmas on December 24th. She did not take the call. Instead, it was my stepdad who took the call.

Was I disappointed? Not really…

To be honest, I don’t think I am ready to talk to her. I do not yet know how long it will take before I will heal completely from the experience. And it has definitely shaped my views on motherhood.

For the longest time, I repel from the idea of being a mother, because I was so afraid of becoming a mom exactly like my mom… And in the past 9 months, there were times when my fear became so intense, it became a reality.

It took some time before I shift my focus to concentrate on becoming the mother I want to be, rather than the mother I don’t want to be…

Becoming a mom has been the most interesting and self-revealing journey I’ve taken in my life. It is a journey like no other. And I have just begun! 🙂

Alright, enough of my musings. I’ve not mused for so long, and frankly, I am getting a little headache from thinking about the events. 🙂

So, till the next time I muse.

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