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Archive for June, 2010

3 month new Mommy

Ethan is turning 3 months old today. He has been in this world for a full 91 days. He is definitely thriving, and enjoying his life in this world. 🙂

But Mommy here still has her moments… moments when I wonder when this whole thing will end. I guess today is one of those days when I miss my old life terribly. The life where I can do as I please, go where I want, without having to think of how to accommodate a little person.

These days when I go out, by the time I pack up Ethan’s stuff, strap him into his car seat, and lug him in his car seat to the car, I am already exhausted. Just writing about it is exhausting me!

I feel a little bad as I took my exhaustion and frustration out on Wayne. But at the same time, I needed to let the steam out, as I could see my feelings spiraling downwards, and my resentment ascending upwards!

Maybe it’s because I am mostly by myself? Would things have been better if we had family closer to us?

I really doubt it though.

When too many people are involved in bringing up a child, or are in close contact with the child often, there will inevitably be clashes on the way to bring up the child. We all have our own notions of what is the best for a kid.

As an example, my own mom, who is ten thousand miles away from me and Ethan, will occasionally call me to tell me what I should or should not do with him. And it already drives me nuts. I dread to think what it will be like if she is involved in Ethan’s daily life.

It’s funny how I was always led to believe that once I have my own kid, I will finally understand what my mom has gone through, and I will appreciate her more.

I don’t think I ever under appreciated my mom… I love her, and I always will for the life she has given me, and for all she has done to bring me up. But that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t drive me nuts with her nagging and her own stubborn way of always thinking she is right.

Look at me going eh… 🙂

The truth is, I am more like my mom than I care to admit. 🙂

Where did I think my headstrong trait come from? 😉

I have been trying very hard not to look back at my old life, the life where Ethan was not a part of. But I think that may have backfired. I miss it even more by trying so hard to not think about it.

Perhaps, I will have to learn to accept that I will always miss my old life, and I shouldn’t feel guilty about it. Missing my old life doesn’t mean I don’t love Ethan. It is the the same as loving my mom doesn’t mean she doesn’t drive me crazy.

The existence of one doesn’t mean the demise of the other.

Hmm… I must be really tired… Not even sure if I am making any sense now. 🙂 Perhaps, things will look better once I have a good night’s sleep.

Till the next time I muse.

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Wow… May just whooshed by, and I did not even have a single post on my blog in the month of May. Being a mommy sure takes up a lot of time. Yea, yea… trust me to blame it on being a mommy! 😉

Ethan will be turning 10 weeks old tomorrow, and I just find it hard to believe he is only in my life for 10 weeks. It seems like he’s been in my life forever, in a good way! 😉 In the last 10 weeks, I have gone through many ups and many downs.

There was a point where I even had to take a hiatus in posting in the SmartCanucks forum that I frequent, as my postings were getting depressing and very negative regarding Motherhood.

I took a one week break, not allowing myself to post any words, and it did me tons of good. It gave me time to collect myself, and find my way back to positive me. It also proved that words really do reinforce your frame of mind.

I was exhausted from being a new mom, and was already feeling negative. Writing negatively about my experience reinforced the feelings, and made me feel worse! So, in hindsight, taking a break from writing was a wise decision. 🙂

In all fairness, Ethan is a great baby to have and to care for. There are times when he behaves like a baby and fusses lots, but hey, he IS a baby! 🙂

I tend to forget that he is still relatively new in and to this world, because it really feels like he has been in my life forever!

I recall writing that it doesn’t get better as a mom, it is just me getting used to being a mom, hence it seems like things are getting better. I still think that is true.

I’ve always known that being a mom IS a lot of work. But I never fully realize the extent of that knowledge until I experience it myself. I always respect moms, but now, I have immense respect for all mothers.

Motherhood requires so much dedication, commitment, courage, lots of patience, and most importantly, tons of love.

But behind all those work lies a very sweet fruit of labor. That toothless grin from my baby, the smiling sparkling eyes that seem to say it all, the happy gurgles from Ethan when I try to make him smile… All these little moments truly melt away the frustrations of all the hard work.

Oh my dear sweet son…. Thank you so much for the past 10 weeks of learning. I know we still have many years ahead of us to continue learning about each other, but at this point, I want you to know that I truly feel blessed to have you in my life.

I know there will always be times when I feel down because of the accompanying work. But it is also because of the bittersweetness of all the hard work, that I am really able to appreciate the little moments of tender sweetness you provide.

I love you, Ethan. And I want you to always remember that.

Till the next time I muse.

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