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Archive for April, 2010

The last 4 weeks of my life seems to be a very, very long neverending day. It went by so fast, and yet so slowly.

So many things have happened since the birth of Ethan… My poor little guy… He had it a little rough since coming to the world.

First, both of us had to go through a very long labour and delivery process. It was a total of 24 hours before we got to meet each other. He was finally brought out into this world via assisted delivery using forceps. I had a complete shutdown, and was too exhausted to have him placed on my body. Hubby was the one who got to carry him first. It was what I wanted, although not in the way I expected it to happen.

Then, when Ethan was 3 days old, he was diagnosed with jaundice, and had to be placed in an incubator for phototherapy. He didn’t like it too much, as he was screaming a lot. Poor Mommy here was in tears, as it was heartwrenching to hear and see him cry, and not be able to comfort him. The nurse told me not to take him out of the incubator too much, as it will increase the length of time he might have to stay in the incubator. So, I had to helplessly watch him through the incubator, and watch him wail and struggle. My poor little guy.

Then, when we finally reach home, and just when I thought things will get better, I had a bad reaction to some foods that was prepared for me, and I had gastric reflux. I was throwing up whatever I ate for 4 days. Not fun. Especially since that was the time when I needed nutrition to heal myself from a very long labour and delivery.

After I am done with the gastric reflux, my poor little guy fell ill, had fever, and we had to rush him to the Sick Kids’ hospital, where he was diagnosed with urinary tract infection (E coli bacteria). He was in the hospital for a total of 9 days. During the 9 days, he probably had enough needles, cathethers and IV to last him for his entire childhood. My poor son. He had to have the IV procedure 3 times. =( My heart bleeds every time that happens, and he cries so hard.

Before I became a mommy, I’ve heard about the sleepless nights, the runaway hormones following childbirth, and thought I was prepared for it. Nope. The entire experience is nothing like I expected. At this point, I sometimes wonder what made me decide to go through with it.

But what really struck me was that being a mommy means having my heart wrenched everytime my little guy cries with discomfort, or isn’t feeling well. And everytime he cries, I want to cry with him. And every time he feels unwell, there is immense guilt on my part. I feel like it was my fault that he is unwell. Could it be something that I did not do enough, or did I do something wrongly?

But when I see his adorable countenance, his sparkling eyes, his little gurgles and smiles, my heart melts and I just want the best in this world for him! And as reluctant as I am to admit it, he is really all worth it.

And on my part, I have to learn not to be too harsh on myself, and accept that my little guy has finally embarked on his own little journey in this world, and he is no longer protected in the warmth of my uterus. He will have to go through sniffles, coughs, colds, germs, bacteria, fever etc., and it is nothing to do with what I have or have not done. It is just a passage of life, and the way he builds up his own immune system. My part as his mommy will be to comfort him when he cries from being sick, or when he is feeling discomfort.

Okay, my little guy is crying to be fed now. I am going to him now. Till the next time I muse.

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Post Partum Musings

I had a minor breakdown today.

And I took it out on my mom, who called me at a wrong time. I went ballistic when she started nagging about how my health and body isn’t the same as before since I just gave birth. I told her that I am going mad not going out of the house. I had wanted her to understand that it is awful to stay indoors when the weather out there is so nice, but she went the other way and started nagging about how my body is not the same and I should not go out.

I guess it’s about time I let out my pent up frustrations and feelings since giving birth to Ethan 2 weeks ago. And I am partly to be blamed. Although I never really believed in the traditional Chinese confinement practices, I decided to try to follow it, since I really didn’t want to suffer from aches and pains when I am older.

But I am utterly miserable trying to follow the practice! My mood is foul most of the time, and although I appreciate the help that the confinement lady I hired, I really dislike her nagging. It reminds me of my mom! And the worst thing is I am paying her!

I feel like an utter fool, paying someone to come nag at how I shouldn’t be going out, I should eat this, I should lie down more, blah, blah, blah.

I might as well just have my mom over to nag at me, and it is free!

It’s strange how all these older people seem to think that they know what is the best for new mothers. Part of me really misses the times when I was left alone, far away from all these “traditions and beliefs”.

I guess I deserved it. I should have listened and followed my heart. Being a person who has never been a follower of traditions, I should have known instinctively that I would be miserable trying to follow tradition.

I should have done my own modified post partum recuperation plan, instead of blindly following the confinement practices that have been passed down for a thousand years.

Some of the practices probably made a whole lot of sense a thousand years ago, but not for today’s women.

I’m sure there are lessons to be learnt from my confinement fiasco. And I am sure a few months down the road, I will probably be laughing over what I’ve experienced during this month.

But at this moment, I really don’t find it funny.

I think I might just look into the entire post partum confinement history when I am done, and try to debunk it.

Yes, I think I’ll do that. If I do some research and lay down some facts, I might save some other new mom from this confinement misery. 😛

Alright… enough musing for now. Time to go check on my little son. He’s been sleeping for almost 3 hours… Time to wake him up and feed him. 🙂

Till the next time I muse.

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The last week and a half have really gone by in a blur… Ethan has finally come… He came to this world at 9 lbs and 9 ounces, and gave mommy here a hard time. But it’s all worth it. He’s the most adorable thing I’ve seen. Probably even more adorable than me when I was a baby. 😉

I guess with being a new mommy now, I will likely have less time to do long posts with my musings. But I still want to record some of the thoughts that go through in my mind.

The last week and a half, I’ve discovered that:
– I really do love my hubby a lot. And he is the most wonderful man anyone can ever ask for. He was with me all the way while I was labouring in the hospital, from the labour room to the operating theater for the assisted deilvery. He said he’s so proud of me, but I am just as proud of him. It’s never easy watching a loved one “suffering”… and he went through it like a trooper. Just like me! 😀

– Looking at Ethan, I realized that my heart indeed can expand and include another person. The heart seems to have no limits in loving.

– There are times when I still feel a little weepy, as I look at Ethan, because he look so helpless as a newborn. At least when he is within me, I can give him everything that I have, but now all he takes is milk.. Is that even enough? I miss drinking those Green Monsters, and knowing that the goodness of he Green Monsters is somehow getting through to him.

– I am glad that I played a lot of my favourite music to Ethan while he was in utero… He seems to calm down when I play the same music now.

Oh… my dear son is awake… I gotta go…

Till the next time I muse.

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